Shirin was very focused on her dream and worked with us to plan various tours and album releases. This video is just before her Asia tour in the summer of 2014. Like all business owners she knew she had to keep herself motivated no matter what happens and like many businesses the music industry can be an emotional rollercoaster. With this in mind she started working with us to gain her clarity of what she wanted and what she needed in terms of support to stay motivated.
Shirin was also supported by a loving family and her partner now husband Mitch. Like many of us do Shirin asked her family to hold her accountable only to discover she felt guilty rather than motivated when they checked in with her. In her session we explored what was being said and done and the impact and what could work better.
If you find that you ask friends or family for help and then you get frustrated because ‘their way’ of helping does not feel helpful, it can leave you feeling stuck. You know they care. You know they mean well and yet what they are doing is not resourceful or supporting you to be stay motivated.
I have seen this time and time again with many clients, where they ask for support and when they get what they asked for it has the opposite impact. This is often because they have not really listened to what they told them to do.
Take my slimming world clients who told her husband not to let her eat biscuits. Then as she went to eat it and he literally took it out of her mouth she was not a happy bunny.
That resulted in her losing her temper with him and he felt angry because he had just done as he was asked. Other times it might just be a look of ‘should you be doing that’ or a question like ‘Do you really need that? but the impact is the same. The person trying to help feels resentful that they ‘tried’ to help and it was not appreciated and the person trying to change their behaviour invariably feels misunderstood and unsupported.
It is all too easy to say things like “I want you to nag me”, or “I want you to keep me on track” without really considering the impact that will have and how you might respond. Gaining clarity of what you want and having confidence in yourself is a great starting place. However often those around us are impacted by the journey we go on and we invariably want to share the journey with them and we might even need their support and encouragement along the way. Thinking about what kind of resource and support you need in advance and practicing it when you are not under pressure and stressed can be a great way of improving performance and relationships.
In all the years I have done this work it usually comes down to changing the way we give, receive and invite feedback. Knowing yourself well helps and having space and time to practice different responses means you are less likely to become frustrated with yourself and others.
In this video Shirin shares how changing one question changed the impact.
Take a moment now to consider what kind of resource or support you need. Listen to what you say and think about what would you actually hear and see when that was happening. For example if you asked someone to nag you, what kind of nag is that? How often? When? Where? The more you know what you mean by what you say, the more likely you are to get what you need.
You can find out more about “7 Day Make it Happen Motivator here.